Sad but true, the majority of roommate conflicts occur when
communication breaks down. So be proactive and strive to make your
communication style healthy and effective. We offer the following tips:
- Agree to disagree: A difference in opinion can be
fine, as long as you choose to respect one another's perspectives.
Don't pass judgment. There are always at least two sides to an issue.
- Talking it through: Inevitably, you'll be
displeased with something your roommate does and vice versa. Commit to
working it out verbally. And don't give in to temptation to talk behind
one another's backs. This will backfire, causing more problems than
it's worth.
- Leaving messages: You will come to rely on each
other for communication with "the outside world" too. So, agree on what
to do with phone messages, verbal "stop-bys" and door board messages
now. Less will get lost in the shuffle this way.
Healthy lines of communication
In a residence
hall setting, folks tend to get into one another's business from time
to time. It's part of the culture, unfortunately. This makes it even
more crucial that you and your roommate establish healthy lines of
communication. Learning to talk directly with your roommate, especially
if she isn't a close friend, can be tough. How do you approach certain
topics? How do you stand up for yourself without putting your roommate
down? It is possible and we're going to show you how.
- Use "I" statements. Sitting down with your roommate and saying, "I
felt upset when I didn't get the message that my mother called" is very
different from saying, "You upset me when you didn't give me my
mother's message." Taking ownership of your feelings removes the
blaming tone from your statement and puts your roommate less on the
defensive. When she is not defensive, she will listen better!
- Maintain eye contact. Looking directly at your roommate while you
explain your perspective does a great deal to strengthen your message.
Eye contact communicates connectedness, assertiveness, and confidence
in your message.
- Keep it between you two. Don't rely on other friends to tell your
roommate what she is doing that upsets you. Receiving blame from an
outside source is sure to put your roommate on the defensive, and
rightly so. Problems should be kept between the two of you unless you
need professional assistance (i.e. your RA, a counselor, etc.) to work
things out.
- Avoid gossip. The rumor mill runs rampant in residence halls so,
make sure you're not fueling it by talking behind your roommate's back.
Steer clear of those who wish to gossip and go directly to the source.
Passions and peeves
Finding out what is
important to one another helps roommates better understand each other.
What does your roommate have a real passion for? And what are some of
her pet peeves? Try discussing some of the topics below in a quest to
discover more about who your roommate really is:
- A few things that really annoy me are…
- Some of the things I feel passionately about are…
- When I am angry, I show it by…
- I tend to …when jokes or derogatory comments are made about other people.
- I feel…about having overnight guests.
- A few touchy subjects with me include…
- Smoking is…
- I feel that alcohol and other drugs are…
- When I'm stressed or feeling lots of pressure, I'll show it by…
- I feel…about discussing…
Differences
Differences are one of the key ways
we learn from other people. Chances are, your world is going to open up
as you get to know more about what makes your roommate different from
you. Make yourself open to this valuable type of learning! How much do
you know about your roommate's background? And how much does she know
about you? Since we are all products of our roots, to truly understand
where each of us is coming from, it is important to share information
with one another:
- My cultural background is…
- My faith life involves…
- My lifestyle choices include…(i.e. choice to abstain from alcohol use, vegetarianism, etc.)
- Things I've experienced due to my cultural/lifestyle/spiritual background include…
College life can be tough at times. Your roommate may experience
difficulty and the natural human tendency is to jump in and help.
However, it is important to recognize your limitations when it comes to
helping. You want to make sure you are doing what is best for your
roommate and yourself!